Some fears....

So, I'm probably reading waaaay too much into things, however, my past experiences always seem to dictate my current fears.... Ginger promised, a few weeks ago, to clean out her closet and give her tiny clothes to my daughter (who is already an inch-ish taller than I). She's apologized a couple of times for not getting to it earlier, to which I have replied "It's not a big deal, whenever you can get to it" type-stuff. Well, today, when I walked in, she had a bag of stuff for me to go through, to pick what is appropriate for a nearly 13 year old. Where am I going with this??? There has been a lot of psst psst psst going on at the Salon, lately. Which means I'm usually being talked about. These people cannot wait until I'm NOT there to say whatever it is they need to say. It's irritating. And, it puts me on edge, wondering what I did to screw up now. I've even taken to, lately, zinging Evelyn every chance I get, for the choices she makes regarding her 3 year old & Christmas. (Namely purchasing every toy on the planet then complain that she's broke), which, I know, I need to stop. She, too, has also been extremely nice of late. This concerns me. When I worked as a receptionist at "Diva's Salon" (not the real name, obviously!), the Queen B referred to me as being one of the family, did all kinds of generous things for the child and I, then fired me, which my current employer does NOT know about. (at least not to my knowledge). This is where my fears set in. I'm not the favorite, and I know it. Ginger's husband, Leo, teases me often...always tries to set me up on the phone to have a bad reaction to the goofy things he says, like affecting an accent and wanting to book a man's bikini wax with our best waxer. Silly things, designed to fluster me, and I don't react the way he wants me to. Mostly because I've had others do the same thing and it doesn't work. I recognize their voices every time. I am also known to just go ahead and do my own thing rather than run everything I do by my co-workers. Reason being, every time I run something I want to do by my co-workers, I get shot down, EVERY TIME. So, I stopped asking. I only get praise in front of my client, never in the backroom when the client is gone. I stopped getting my haircuts checked after two months, because I was tired of my credibility becoming invalid. I would talk up a storm about my abilities, then have to stop and get my work checked by my supervisor. It would totally blow it with my client. Should I have checked with Ginger before making this decision?? Probably. I look at it this way: I'm 40 years old. When do I get to stop asking for help when I know I've done a good job??? Especially when my client raves about what I've just done??? I know that I want it both ways...validate what I do, praise me in front of others and praise me in private, yet treat me like I know what I'm doing, as an equal. I want the validation, yet I'm afraid to ask for it. Mostly because I'm afraid of what Ginger will say. She's a standard salon owner...very passive/aggressive. Will tell you what you want to your face, and mean something else behind your back. It's a trait I recognize and yet HATE in others!!! I try very hard to say to your face what I would behind your back and visa-twistie. So, my one year anniversary is coming up the end of next month. And I'm afraid I won't get there. My book is starting to fill in more than it has, with more of my regular clients booking ahead, which is nice. I just don't know, at this point, if I'm where Ginger thinks I ought to be, and, again, am too afraid to ask. So, there it is. My fears laid out for you to see...